Sunday, June 2, 2013

four dollars cheaper than a therapy session.

I bought myself a bottle of Woodford reserve Bourbon, my new favourite. It is four dollars cheaper than my therapist and hopefully will last me a bit longer. I actually really like my therapist and Im fairly certain her advice is wiser and more effective than this bottle. But for the moment me and the Bourbon are talking just fine.
I think some settling is happening, the surreal aspect is still there but I am starting to realize Gary is not just going to walk in the door and turn up as if away for business. It is starting to become real. I think thats why I have havnt really stopped crying for three days. I never know how I will be from day to day so I just go with it and don't fight it. If I cry, I cry, if I am finding joy in something thats what I do.

I cleaned my studio today and did some painting, put Sheryl Crow on the ipod and painted.
Sheryl was chosen because that was the first name I came across. Gary always did the music.
I am trying to learn new things, hard when my brain does its switch down thing if it has emotion attached.

Arihana has moved home :-D. What to say? she is a joy and makes it easier.

I gardened yesterday and got some stuff moved. I have a picture of the areas that I gardened in my head and can see where its going for the first time.
My poor plants have got what my Dad calls "Philippa disease'. That means they get moved frequently.
So far they seem to be coping, and as I get to know my section more, things are starting to land in the right place. There is a plan afoot.

Today I prayed for a clear picture in my head of Gaz that I could carry with me and not get sad over. And one that is just for me. It came this afternoon.
 Gary sitting on the couch and telling me that he saw me ' I see you Kat' .
 When something like this happens you question doesn't matter if you know its going to happen because it still doesn't make sense and it hurts. It really hurts.
I go over stuff thinking 'where could I have done more' ? What else could I have done? ..more time please Lord.
I know this seems nuts but it does unpick the hard stuff and start to sort it, and if I pray into it it starts to ease.
I also prayed for a bridge between this grief and healing. I know its early but I need to know there is a bridge.
The one in my head is the one I crossed as a kid up in Glenorchy on one of the tracks. It was rope and swayed and had gaps that you could fall through. When I stepped on it to cross, it was fairly certain that someone at the edge would shake it and I would freak.
I remember Gary teasing me when we went up to stay with Mum and Dad in the Shepards hut. He gave one shake, I don't remember what I said but he didn't do it again.

This morning in church Sue talked about Wholeheartedness and what that meant and how we were placed to find it. She also talked of bridges and I thought thats nice thats what I was asking for and listened harder, it was good and reiterated but no aha moments.
This evening a friend rang and talked of a picture she felt she was given by God. It was a picture of her husband who had passed and Jesus with one foot in this world and one foot in the next and she said 'Jesus is the bridge Kat, he connects us between our loved ones who have passed and us who are left here'. I shared with her that I had prayed for a bridge and we talked.
Things come and they come in unexpected ways.
I saw her husband and mine talking with a glow that exists in my imagination. I did call them a rude name as they were happy and blissful and I wasn't calling helped a bit..
Sues talk at church was the bridge that linked me through to last conversation..bridges within bridges.
I was reminded of a first journal page I did of paper dolls holding hands and it was all our friends and the love that connected us.

This week I have cried and cried and cried.

Ari moved home
I gardened
I biked
I took puss to the vet
I have also booked an Art journal trip with my sister..she squeaked when I asked her.
I DIDNT drink the whole bottle of bourbon and go driving around the back roads of the Peninsula with loud music on as tempting as it was.
(Sadly nearly half a bottle gone by tonight..too easy to drink, I highly recommend)


  1. Hi Kat. You're so good at working things through. We've been wondering how things are going for you. I like the sound of your garden development. We took a weekend at Sue & Tim's at Kakanui so we are well rested and enjoyed some biking and outdoor family time. It was great to get away from the daily stuff of home. Glad Arihana is there with you. Donna X

  2. And this week you also did another great blog entry - eloquent writing springing from harrowing, intense experiences and you continue to display tenacity and realness that makes me so pleased/honoured to know you. I believe Gary sees you too. Oh, and add also helping my art project to your list - the plaster bandage has set me on a little bit of a frenzy - thank you! :-) Now, I must go and find a photo of you from the past with your face covered in the very same material.

  3. Kind Lynn! I didn't help with your project you helped yourself - such a good quality. Quite good to have friends like that at the moment with my fuzzy head. I just provided a roll of bandage. Pleased you are going berserko makes a nice picture in my head. I painted today, got into my painting and felt pleased to have pushed through the yucky bit of it and now just want to be out in my shed painting.

  4. Perfect Kat-not as in ' perfect'......hmmmn let's not go down the
    'powerade' track thou

  5. haha very funny..yes was thinking about the Powerade yesterday and how happy that made Zach. It was an extravagant gift but much appreciated. He wore a track to the garage in his enthusiasm for it.

  6. Hi Carol I have been checking up you fairly frequently I hope no blogging means things are quiet with you guys.Praying and hoping x

  7. Thanks Kat, yes good days, no check up until October, so today is good and that's all we know for sure - so we run with it - she is happy and busy and loving her life right now - so we take our cues from her. This week in church Jacqui, Peter and I are answering questions from the minister and people in the congregation about our experiences and faith journey over the past 3 years - it will be tricky!!! Jacqui took a beautiful picture of a bridge the other day, I'll have to try and send it to you - a "prayer bridge" from Canada to New Zealand

    1. Thats such good news Carol a good long window for you guys..means you can really live a bit in between scans. We didn't get much space between treatment and scans but any windows we did get were awesome. i would love to see the bridge picture. Facebook or I can send you my email.
      Best wishes for will be good as you will have good stuff reiterated and be reminded of what has helped ,but also hard to stand and be back in that space. Our minister talked about faith healing the other day and people who were healed through faith and I felt so angry at the talk , it didn't cover people of faith who died unexpectedly. I had to work through quite big feelings. IN amongst all that though the treasure of the bridge came through. Life love


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