Friday, May 24, 2013

Electric blankets Moggies and heat-pumps

Thinking about things that comfort. I am typing in bed with Spacey the faithful curled up beside me purring and demanding pats. I put my electric blanket on when I got up this morning and are now tucked back in bed defrosting my feet. Have just been researching heat pumps.

The sun is out for the first time in a week and I am thinking breakfast rugged up on the veranda might be nice. I have had my cup of tea but have been puddling around on the computer and havnt yet eaten.

The tui perched up on the tip of the Rowan tree this morning with his clear clear song lifting the spirit of my yard. Thinking I will organize some sugar water soon to entice them all year round.
One of our smaller gums fell across PBO road two nights ago. I thought the dog was snoring really loudly but when we turned the tele off we realized it was chainsaw (11pm).Never a good sound at that time of night.
I am pleased no one was injured, I am pleased it was a small gum but also regretful as I am fond of the trees. I went and investigated in my pink dressing gown with my blue puffer and blue crocs..I looked particularly delightful. I did think at the time that the policeman who was there had probably seen plenty worse. I got them to leave what they could on the bank so I can scavenge it. Not too much left but some. I need some chainsaw lessons now. Youtube?

Yesterday the delightfilled Fifi came to visit. She got me to soak my feet in a bucket with an orange and lemon chopped up. It was heavenly - truly,  y'all should try it. Smelt great and I could squish the fruit with my feet and more citrus floated up. She then massaged my feet for a long time. It was so good..I tucked up on the couch with a rug and rested while Fifi did her magic.
For my 21st Gary bought me a sun-catcher, Its a wee sun with rays over a blue sea. It is hanging in my bedroom window and at the moment is reflecting half moon and circle shapes of  light over my ceiling. In these tiny spaces are scribbles of tree branches..their shadows - small airy movements. Its a song without sound.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013


Grief unmakes me
it is stacks of leaves the colour of fire
piled in gutters
rain soaking their leaf skins
bellbirds that call to each other across my garden
and cutlery ready to be put away
in this everydayness I am unmade
and assembled each day
stirring pots, washing clothes
paying bills
binding thoughts like trout lures

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Feathered Friends

There were a number of people who commented on the Fantails that came for Gary. They perched up on the Power lines outside the hall as we were leaving for the cemetery and came down to the car and flew close.
About half an hour before I went down to the hall I looked outside my kitchen window because I could hear Fantails cheeping and there were two of them in the Kowhai tree. I thought 'oh there they are, they have come for Gary' but the thought didn't stick until I was at the hall and they called out to me and let me know in no uncertain terms that they were there.
This past week in my Garden I have had Bell birds and Tui's singing to me. I go out side and if I am distressed or talking about Gary down they come.
I have never seen them this close before.They perch right above my head on branches and sing and sing. And not just one but three sometimes more. The first time I had a friend with me who lived near the bush for a long time and is a Gardener by trade. She said she had never seen them do that. Very Disney.
I was talking to Dev on the phone and as we talked of Gaz a Tui arrived, perched close, sang then zipped right past my face in a rush of feathers. I was on the front Veranda.
 They have certainly distracted me and made me think. Gary loved the birds and in the last year turned into something of an expert on the ones in our Garden and their habits. He was particularly fond of Tuis and told me if it was possible he would visit as a Tui. I am not saying that I think thats what is happening, but I do think spirit can prompt things and its a comforting thought.
My nephew posted a question this week on Facebook asking what the Christian message of Hope means. I know the biblical version but may need to ponder on what that means to me at the moment. I know birds will be in there somewhere. What ever Hope is, its essential.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Garys Funeral

I have posted the live stream here on Gazza's Blog.

Dont burn your brush piles until you've checked for Hedgehogs

The major part of me the internal part does not want to to talk or communicate or Blog. There is a small external part that knows it is necessary and helpful. I was given a book this week by a friend and it reminded me of the power of words and the comfort they can offer whether Im reading them or writing them.
What to say to my hedgehog self that is curled and prickled and in the middle of  possible brush fire..what advice do I give myself?
What I have discovered is that the body is kind and knows what to do. Some days and parts of days I just bawl and bawl and seems like it will never stop and my heart hurts and my chest aches and I just wander about not remembering what to do or what was said in the last few minutes. And then my brain does this switch off thing, where even if I tried to think about events or remember that Gaz is gone, I cant. It wont let me. Its like being on super efficient drugs and my brain and body rests. The hard part of that is that towards the end of the brain numb, reality starts to bite. Exactly the same as when you go the Dentist and the anesthetic wears off.
I have started doing things just to keep occupied, distraction is good. Chopped down branches and trimmed trees..maybe a bit too much trimming, but ok. I picked up my bike today and will start biking.
Thinking about running some Art Journalling workshops as soon as I am able and my brain functions.
Sleep is good I like my bed and whole mornings can pass which is nice.
I have activities set up to do such as painting and sewing, gardening. All good things but no joy in thinking about it or the possibility of doing it. Everything slowly slowly and Im just going with it. Its all to weird and sad.
Zach is in his room playing games and puss is asleep beside me on the chair purring. She is good company. Zach is coming up at 8.30 for Dr Who.

Monday, May 6, 2013


I wrote this to someone on the synovial blog who was struggling. I am posting it again to see how it sits for me.

Love for you coming from New Zealand.We are lying here early in the morning in the hospice thinking and talking about you.
My favourite Children's book is called 'going on a Bear Hunt' I like the bit where the characters are contemplating going through a big mud pool.They cant go over it or around it, they have to go through it. I always think of grief as like this mud pool. It is risky and messy and leaves stains. It isn't something you choose to do and it is difficult to keep your footing, but eventually you get through.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and thoughts. Kat - thank you for sharing this analogy. It really made me pause and think, and helped me.

I am pleased.I find it really helpful. I often use story and metaphor in order to understand where things are. If I try to think too much about the reality,I forward think and don't stay present and then the panic starts.
Story is a way for me to connect wider and imagine in a different way. Frodo and Sam Gangee are good too..that last climb up the mountain when Sam has just been pushed away by Frodo and he remembers why he was here and how much Frodo and the quest means and he pushes through rescues and carries Frodo.That is good too.I never thought I would ever use a Rings metaphor more of Narnia girl..but it keeps popping up. x KAT

I dont know that story is where I am at present, but the mud pool still resonates. No overwhelm just lots of whelm. Went to the bank today to sort stuff ,drop things at the funeral directors, some art supplies for a course ( my hearts not in it yet but I will start anyway and see where it takes me) Part of my distraction plan. One inch at a time. Hana and Zach helped me, they seemed to know alot about spray cans and nozzles hmm. 
Hana and both heard Gary loudly and clearly today saying the same thing at the same time.Zach hummed bright eyes out of the blue didn't know why... didn't know where it came from and didn't know anything about the song or my journal entry. Said it just popped into his head. The fantails are back calling to me this morning. 
Zach and I had fish and chips for tea, watched Game of Thrones and had baths.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Coal in my bucket

I feel as if I am in a Bubble at the moment held by all the love that came in the last week. So many people who care. I am also slightly anesthetized..its good how our bodies instinctively know what to do to take care of us.  I am no longer anxious or fearful. I am with the sadness and just doing what I need to do each day. Its surreal at times. My head is a bit slow and fuzzy, I don't yet have energy but still walking in a straight line of my choice. I know things will change as I am protected at the moment. Mindful living is helping. Not thinking back or forward but appreciating the moment and Gary is everywhere. My house is filled with beautiful flowers, my coal bin has been topped up(I think?) who did that? and when did it happen?

My friend Ruth who flew from the UK for three days, left this morning. She helped me find a bike to buy yesterday and we found a good one with help from Erin at R and R. She is a very kind and knowledgable young woman. If anyone is thinking of buying a bike ask for her.

I have three ferns in my driveway which I am tending.Some money was donated towards them for me from anonymous peoples????? I have had a few guesses. The guys we hired them off are coming to plant them on Tuesday. I am trotting down the drive every day and watering them.This drizzle is perfect.
They used to be called Designer trees ( Kaikorai Valley rd) and changed their name to something I cant quite remember, but will get the name and post it as they are going above and beyond what is necessary for me in regards the trees.(found it -Trees of the World)
Many Many thank you's for all the gorgeous food, help with the hall, my house. The cards.
Thank you to all the people who came, Gary would have loved it. I clicked through to the funeral page that was streamed live and it was strange to see our grief made so public. 
I have struggled with that at times.  I watched just some of it with Ruth and then shook my head and said this is so Gary and exactly as he wanted and then it felt good and was ok.
 Gaz loved his TV.
Thank you to the Aussies that flew in. x