Thursday, May 16, 2013

Dont burn your brush piles until you've checked for Hedgehogs

The major part of me the internal part does not want to to talk or communicate or Blog. There is a small external part that knows it is necessary and helpful. I was given a book this week by a friend and it reminded me of the power of words and the comfort they can offer whether Im reading them or writing them.
What to say to my hedgehog self that is curled and prickled and in the middle of  possible brush fire..what advice do I give myself?
What I have discovered is that the body is kind and knows what to do. Some days and parts of days I just bawl and bawl and seems like it will never stop and my heart hurts and my chest aches and I just wander about not remembering what to do or what was said in the last few minutes. And then my brain does this switch off thing, where even if I tried to think about events or remember that Gaz is gone, I cant. It wont let me. Its like being on super efficient drugs and my brain and body rests. The hard part of that is that towards the end of the brain numb, reality starts to bite. Exactly the same as when you go the Dentist and the anesthetic wears off.
I have started doing things just to keep occupied, distraction is good. Chopped down branches and trimmed trees..maybe a bit too much trimming, but ok. I picked up my bike today and will start biking.
Thinking about running some Art Journalling workshops as soon as I am able and my brain functions.
Sleep is good I like my bed and whole mornings can pass which is nice.
I have activities set up to do such as painting and sewing, gardening. All good things but no joy in thinking about it or the possibility of doing it. Everything slowly slowly and Im just going with it. Its all to weird and sad.
Zach is in his room playing games and puss is asleep beside me on the chair purring. She is good company. Zach is coming up at 8.30 for Dr Who.

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Hi I love to receive comments and will endevour to reply either on this page or your blog.Kat