The major part of me the internal part does not want to to talk or communicate or Blog. There is a small external part that knows it is necessary and helpful. I was given a book this week by a friend and it reminded me of the power of words and the comfort they can offer whether Im reading them or writing them.
What to say to my hedgehog self that is curled and prickled and in the middle of possible brush fire..what advice do I give myself?
What I have discovered is that the body is kind and knows what to do. Some days and parts of days I just bawl and bawl and seems like it will never stop and my heart hurts and my chest aches and I just wander about not remembering what to do or what was said in the last few minutes. And then my brain does this switch off thing, where even if I tried to think about events or remember that Gaz is gone, I cant. It wont let me. Its like being on super efficient drugs and my brain and body rests. The hard part of that is that towards the end of the brain numb, reality starts to bite. Exactly the same as when you go the Dentist and the anesthetic wears off.
I have started doing things just to keep occupied, distraction is good. Chopped down branches and trimmed trees..maybe a bit too much trimming, but ok. I picked up my bike today and will start biking.
Thinking about running some Art Journalling workshops as soon as I am able and my brain functions.
Sleep is good I like my bed and whole mornings can pass which is nice.
I have activities set up to do such as painting and sewing, gardening. All good things but no joy in thinking about it or the possibility of doing it. Everything slowly slowly and Im just going with it. Its all to weird and sad.
Zach is in his room playing games and puss is asleep beside me on the chair purring. She is good company. Zach is coming up at 8.30 for Dr Who.
I wrote this to someone on the synovial blog who was struggling. I am posting it again to see how it sits for me.
Love for you coming from New
Zealand.We are lying here early in the morning in the hospice thinking and
talking about you.
My favourite Children's book
is called 'going on a Bear Hunt' I like the bit where the characters are
contemplating going through a big mud pool.They cant go over it or around it,
they have to go through it. I always think of grief as like this mud pool. It
is risky and messy and leaves stains. It isn't something you choose to do and
it is difficult to keep your footing, but eventually you get through.
Thank you everyone for your kind words
and thoughts. Kat - thank you for sharing this analogy. It really made me pause
and think, and helped me.
I am pleased.I find it really helpful. I often use
story and metaphor in order to understand where things are. If I try to think
too much about the reality,I forward think and don't stay present and then the
Story is a way for me to connect wider and imagine in a different
way. Frodo and Sam Gangee are good too..that last climb up the mountain when Sam
has just been pushed away by Frodo and he remembers why he was here and how
much Frodo and the quest means and he pushes through rescues and carries
Frodo.That is good too.I never thought I would ever use a Rings metaphor more
of Narnia girl..but it keeps popping up. x KAT
I dont know that story is where I am at present, but the mud pool still resonates. No overwhelm just lots of whelm. Went to the bank today to sort stuff ,drop things at the funeral directors, some art supplies for a course ( my hearts not in it yet but I will start anyway and see where it takes me) Part of my distraction plan. One inch at a time. Hana and Zach helped me, they seemed to know alot about spray cans and nozzles hmm.
Hana and both heard Gary loudly and clearly today saying the same thing at the same time.Zach hummed bright eyes out of the blue didn't know why... didn't know where it came from and didn't know anything about the song or my journal entry. Said it just popped into his head. The fantails are back calling to me this morning.
Zach and I had fish and chips for tea, watched Game of Thrones and had baths.
I feel as if I am in a Bubble at the moment held by all the love that came in the last week. So many people who care. I am also slightly anesthetized..its good how our bodies instinctively know what to do to take care of us. I am no longer anxious or fearful. I am with the sadness and just doing what I need to do each day. Its surreal at times. My head is a bit slow and fuzzy, I don't yet have energy but still walking in a straight line of my choice. I know things will change as I am protected at the moment. Mindful living is helping. Not thinking back or forward but appreciating the moment and Gary is everywhere. My house is filled with beautiful flowers, my coal bin has been topped up(I think?) who did that? and when did it happen? My friend Ruth who flew from the UK for three days, left this morning. She helped me find a bike to buy yesterday and we found a good one with help from Erin at R and R. She is a very kind and knowledgable young woman. If anyone is thinking of buying a bike ask for her. I have three ferns in my driveway which I am tending.Some money was donated towards them for me from anonymous peoples????? I have had a few guesses. The guys we hired them off are coming to plant them on Tuesday. I am trotting down the drive every day and watering them.This drizzle is perfect. They used to be called Designer trees ( Kaikorai Valley rd) and changed their name to something I cant quite remember, but will get the name and post it as they are going above and beyond what is necessary for me in regards the trees.(found it -Trees of the World) Many Many thank you's for all the gorgeous food, help with the hall, my house. The cards. Thank you to all the people who came, Gary would have loved it. I clicked through to the funeral page that was streamed live and it was strange to see our grief made so public. I have struggled with that at times. I watched just some of it with Ruth and then shook my head and said this is so Gary and exactly as he wanted and then it felt good and was ok. Gaz loved his TV. Thank you to the Aussies that flew in. x
Parking at the Pub - big car park
At the hall some but will be reserved also
and at the wharf and up the street around PBO
Two motels and various bed and breakfast.
There are beds being offered by my friends some lovely options for people to stay if required..let me know.
I will keep updating this page
More offers of accommodation coming in from my friends from sleepouts to beautiful rooms and houses
at the end of the pub in the ice cream parlour and at cafe
Pub will open from 11.30 -12.45 for food drinks etc
at the grave side..please bring a garden flower if you like for the top of the grave
local shop has pies etc
Is there anyone who may be going back to ChCh on May 5th and has a spare seat in their car. I have a very dear friend who will be flying from the UK for thursday. She is here until Sunday and requires a lift to Chch for a connecting flight to Palmerston North. Their are no flights as its the School Holidays.
Funeral at the Hall , the Cemetery then the Portobello Pub for after and then 2 Seaton Rd. I am still working out details of what and how at the house, but want to keep it fairly organic and evolving. Potluck food and drink to add into what is here is probably good. Just whatever you would like to do.
If I was a painting..it would be one of myself in absence.
There would be three beautiful children, a lovely man called gary who I am married to. A Cairn Terrier named Mango, some chickens and two cats. There would be some paintbrushes, a computer and a Bible. Tropical plants with bright flowers and wide leaves that capture rain would wind up the frame.
It would have hearts and cowboy boots.