How are you?

The question that opens every sentence. And then the wait and then the 'how are the kids?

 What to say..I go back to intention and the fact that people are kind and well meaning. I can only give a fully real answer to the people who have or are suffering in the same way. 

I saw someone last night at the festival in town (Hana and Zach were part of it). Someone I don't know very well but who knows someone else I am acquainted with. The how are you and then the wait then the kids?  I am polite and am coming up with std answers that are all part of a polite conversation. But it is exhausting, very possibly I cant be pleased at the moment. I feel in part I am being dishonest when I have these interactions and I would prefer to only have them with people who truly care about me and my family and loved Gaz. 

What I like about our city, our country and our World is the degree of connection between people and that it is small. That is also what makes it hard.

Having courage means to speak from the heart, it also means people have to have courageous ears and not feel they have to offer any platitudes or well meaning advice. 

I logically know the process and understand how grief works. I don't need it explained back to me and I don't necessarily want to keep explaining it. The knowing and the feelings and the doing are just something I have to go through. It is a well trodden path that we will all have to walk.

My friend Sue C.S who's husband died a year ago said a metaphor she carries with her is one of pioneer woman hacking through thick bush to make a path into the unknown. Even though people have done this in various ways for the longest time we are the first of our friendship circles.

My courageous heart is sore.

How am I today?

A bit shaky..Someone dropped off a thoughtful gift but one I had to deal with and it undid me. A live cray. The body, the suffering the killing of it...all sent me hysterical for about two hours. I am slowly trying to get myself together. It was an incredibly generous gift but hard to take.

I can manage for short times away from the house and then I lose it. I think about returning to work but feel worried about my concentration. I know I need to relax and it will sort itself. 

I am fretful about responsibilities, being a single parent, having to take of care of things by myself, make decisions by myself..love myself enough. Gaz loved me for me and I knew it. He accepted me for who I am and how I was was and now I have to do that for myself. I get scared , I get angry, I cope when things are ok but not if there is a hiccup.

I did also manage to go to church and catch up with a friend afterwards and made a few marks on paper. I am writing which is helping clear my head and Im going out to tea at Debs. The days are a mixture as am I.

I will make a plan this week of things I need to do and do them. That will help.

I need to remember that I generally like to work and I have a good work ethic. I like to be busy and that this is an extraordinary time. I will once again be able and capable of taking care of myself and my kids. I wont always feel this way and unable to help myself. I am truly appreciative of family and friends and their love. One day I will be like Tigger again.

Did you know? My garden not only is producing new potatoes and mushrooms..there is a Kowhai flowering and a red Rhodo..My garden has its own ideas at present of when things should happen. It is a bit Narnian.