Out of Season

I am beyond tired at present, I can feel it sneaking into my bones and halting me. I think of things to do and then forget to do them. People contact me and I forget to reply.
My brain as it deals with the bigger issue, eliminates the the little ones also.

I thought about biking today and walking the dog, but legs like lead. I did get dressed and go out and dig the garden and dug a bucket of spuds some yams and some parsnips. It felt good to be moving just a little and good to have purpose. There were no spuds in the pantry and I reneged on the market and town today as I didn't want to leave home. I needed some quiet.
I dug new potatoes today..it was a curious thing.
 I do remember tucking this lone spud into a patch and wondering if it would grow before winter, still it was a surprise as I weeded there to find them.
It is a Merlin (my favourite potato) and has pink eyes so maybe a little bit magical. Its skin rubbed off just like a new one.
Someone made a comment back at the start of Autumn, I cant remember who but they were talking about death notices in the paper. They said ' yes this is the season for it'
I looked at them feeling the anxiety and fear and thought don't be stupid Kat that is superstitious thinking and I also thought Not my Gary! We will have another winter together but I knew it would be hard.
Things out of season are peculiar they don't make sense and don't happen in a natural order..they make us think and puzzle and seek why and hows. The new potato in June bought seasonal ideas into focus. Winter is time for sitting by the fire yes? hunkering down and being bear like for a while. It sounds pleasurable..cave like. It is also cold and grey and wet at the moment.. feels like July. And the Autumnalis is flowering,,the waxeyes are ecstatic. It does do this - blossoms twice - but with it comes a blurring of season and time and creates a forgetting of where I am.
My title for todays blog was originally '' keeping track of the life you're living''  I was thinking about this as I have lost a number of items (smaller losses that fret me terribly). My extremely good pruning saw( maybe somewhere in the garden I have looked and looked), two brand new patterns from Global(must have thrown them out), my memory as mentioned above,  bits of money, joy..to be expected for a while. Appetite..I get hungry but appetite is different..My scarf (which I found).

The pruning saw was a hard loss as Gary would have known where I might have put it and would have helped me look. He knew my habits, observed where I wandered and would have had a bright idea where to look. If not , the next time he was out and about he would have kept an eye out...He knew me.
There really is just no-one else no matter how dear that is the same or fills that place of a long time mate..its in all the little things.I don't just miss him in one way but in countless..when I make breakfast, a cup of tea..turn tele on. Put my head on the pillow. Dig new spuds.