Home

We have decided - well Gary has decided ( as it is his choice)  to stay home.

 I am feeling a bit calmer today after some sleep. I packed up most of our stuff from the Hospice yesterday, grabbed the dog and spent the afternoon unpacking. Still not finished sorting but getting there and after having slept for the first time since being home (both of us). I feel a new person.

We have no idea how long this oasis will last and are mindfully living each day. Gary is mindfully watching sports TV and eating chocolate and I am mindfully gardening, housecleaning and cooking. Actually in the last few days that is not quite the truth as my mind has been frantic. Not really with too many thoughts of future or past but with what I needed to do.  I am starting to chill again and intend making some Art this afternoon. It will put me back in the Zone .

 Grateful grateful for more unexpected time. And spectacular weather.Everyone keeps talking about the amazing summer, but it has passed us by and I havnt been in it at all.

We are at home with an O2 concentrator and spare bottles for car trips, but other than meds (which are now simpler than before) its not too complicated. The one thing I shall have to start doing is asking for help when I need it. Gary is great at asking for help but not me.I tend to be a Donkey and just do it. But the expression it takes a Village passed by me three time yesterday and that is a sure sign for me to listen.

It is always hard to know when it is time to ask though. Often when I need it it is an awkward time and the moment passes quickly. But I shall pay attention.

Home Home

Well here we are at home. Didn't think it would happen but hurrah it has. It is magic being here. I have gone into overdrive a bit, doing stuff and cooking as I have been on hold with the house for long. But it is long over due for an Autumn clean out. Clutter spiders etc. Feels good.
We have leave from the hospice until Tuesday morning when we will decide whether to stay home or not. At this stage Gary has decided he does which I am very pleased about.
There is a bit to sort out if this happens and at the moment I feel as If I am inbetween and waiting for a sign or something which I suppose I am. Something to indicate one way or the other. It again is a matter of living day to day and making the most of them.
Gary has been very withdrawn the last couple of weeks at the hospice and convincing him to be here was a mission. But now he is here, he sees he can do it and likes it. If we stay it will involve cutting  the very large and comforting apron strings of the hospice. We are able to go back if  needed which is reassuring for both of us. We were both very well cared for in all ways. It was a unique experience that has grown me in many ways and developed empathy for people in care situations. It has been tricky at times. The last week I could feel myself getting itchy feet and it took me all my patience to stay there. I prayed so hard one night as all I wanted to do was run out the the door home(gary with me) and I had to wait.
The nurses will get some well deserved peace and quiet as I 'interacted' with them quite alot.:-)
So far Gary has been reading his book,sitting out on the Veranda, watching movies. He has also tidied the kitchen and made me a cup of tea:-D.First one in 10 weeks .Its a milestone and known as an act of love in our house. Bring it on I say. Cats are very happy and will pick up wee dog soon.He may not be so happy to come home as he loves his new people and home.
We will see, I will bribe him with Smackos

BAD Dogs and englishmen

Off home tomorrow for TWO days with my man..hurrah. He is being kind to me. I have decided nagging and whining works and I shall do more of it, seriously though, I am so pleased to be going home for a couple of days to my garden and my kitchen. It will be a bit like camping. A little challenging, but I figure mainly good and great for my mental state. Looking forward to catching up on some jobs and sorting Zach out with some garden work. Lots to do outside before winter and I need to get started. And yaah to have a kitchen to cook in, not just a microwave..although I am getting very tricky with that and turning out some good dishes.
Been a lovely quiet morning here. Gaz watching cricket and Im painting. Doing a picture for a friend, its looking good and Im enjoying it.

On a more GRRR note. My wee dog got chewed by a boxer on Long Beach on Saturday much to his caretakers horror and dismay.It was one of those tan ones with white on their chest. This is the second time this year and by the same sort of dog at another beach. First time was at Harwood, where he escaped with a few bites and bruises.This time he required an overnight visit to the Vet and a long row of stitches.He also has bites and bruising and is very sad. Not good !!! I have good friends looking after  him and it is hard enough just looking after someone else's dog during this time without the added drama of dogs attacking.So if anyone reading this can identify who the person this please let me know.

 Two Tan Boxers with white fronts and the owner possibly drives a BMW. He was at Long Beach on Saturday.

 Unfortunately he skedadled before the damage to Mango was realized and his name could be obtained.
There were no Englishmen involved in the attack they are on the tele getting whipped in the cricket.

And just to remind you how cute he is and how small and how faithful...

Waspish

Tuesday
Got stung by a wasp this morning reminded me to be careful about what I say as I was feeling grizzly. OH my goodness was it sore! (Got stung at 10.00am and it is still aching at 5.00pm).
It swelled up two fingers and my hand looked alot younger than the other one (Im thinking cheap botox). It was when I was on my morning walk and I started crying and I didn't stop stop til I got back to the hospice (over an hour) where I told my sad wasp story to a nurse and of course it wasn't about the sting, but easier to talk about. Tonight I am sitting here drinking a glass of Pinot and feeling very relaxed. I am thinking this was probably a good thing as I had been quite prickly and it took a wasp to let the salt out.
Gaz and I went out for coffee just for an outing which was good. We read mags and drank up the caffine. Short and sweet..bought myself some ug boots for winter..man oh man what is with the sheepskin industry...prices zoomin up ridiculas.
Friends coming for a shared dinner as they are away for a month, made a yummy rice noodle/ chicken etc salad. Lots of Nurses popping by and sniffing..promised to write recipe, out will post tomorrow.
Three days later 
and its Celluitis and Im on antibiotics with my GP ringing me and checking whether I need to go to A And E and have IV antibiotics. Good grief such a little thing. Thankfully it feels better this morning, so I think the oral antibots are working. It is so annoying, itchy Itchy and started to get quite sore,hot and cold. Bizzare. I nicknamed myself Vicas Animeras out of district 9.
Nurses here will be pleased as I have been annoying them a lot for creams and lotions to fix it, which of course did nothing because it was what it was.
Off home today for a visit with Gaz. Im Planning to clean out the Garage. Its a beautiful Autumn day

ART JOURNALLING WORKSHOP

http://www.dirtyfootprints-studio.com/2008/05/21-secrets-art-journal-playground.html

I havnt checked out who is teaching but this is the what I did when I first started Journaling. It was great to be in a supportive group with a whole lot of ideas and encouragement floating around. I made some good on-line friends and continued studying with them in other on-line spaces. There is generally a good choice of things to do. Great for the winter months and kids for those days when you're stuck for ideas. Some of you out there have creative kids and will be stuck in a caravan while your house is being demolished (you know who Im talking about)
Not all the workshops will appeal but I recommend it if you are keen on learning some new skills and being part of an enthusiastic group ( participation is not mandatory you can just be a stalker if you wish)

pics

http://artjournalingnz.blogspot.co.nz/
new pages
AND

looking at Hana in the paper ID show

Rainy days

The miracle post arose out of a few days of unsettled-ness by Gaz as physically he felt better. This meant he had the energy to start thinking and re-thinking his situation. And really if you think too much about it it is bizzare. I often feel I am in constant conflict as I feel grateful and appreciative daily to be in a place I don't actually want to be in. I don't want my husband to be here, I want him at home but I want him at home in his old self. I want Gaz back as he was and so does he.
As he is now, here is best and he is comfortable and able to maintain his independence. I can take breaks when needed. Go for a walk. Pop to the supermarket or town. None of that would be possible if we were at home.
Living in each day mindfully is good. But occasionally the bigger picture sneaks in and disrupts things.
We went to the ID fashion show and managed to stay for the first half which was awesome. We got crew passes and a great spot on the platform at the beginning. Hana was walking for NOM D and she was gorgeous. She looked so cute. I got some blurry photos which I will post. I need to post a few photos of  things today. A nice rainy day is a good excuse to do so.
So while I talk about peace which is here there are still very real moments of fear and uncertainty which we work through sometimes daily. It isn't always easy.
LOVE LOVE LOVE LA LA LA LA

Here tis one blurry photo of my darling girl

Just saw a gorgeous picture of her in todays ODT. Hip Hip..check it out

Miracles

This is a snippet from Anne Lammot and as I was thinking about Miracles this weekend and what they are and what they mean this is very appropriate and says it all.

It is a miracle that we are still in the Hospice after 8 weeks. When we came here Gary was Dying and had a few days to live. This extended time period is a miracle, it is also all Anne says.

"My family finally got the slow-mo miracle we'd been working, praying and healing toward. But the problem with miracles is that they don't necessarily make you mildly euphoric. They're not caffeinated, which is what I would prefer. You can be grateful and amazed beyond words that God, heard your prayers, jiggled things around, and speitzed them, to somehow help a huge problem in your life to resolve in a beautiful, surprising way. But it might leave you exhausted. I think a better system would be for God to honor frequent buyer punch cards, so every 10th resolution or miracle you got would be free.

I'm just saying. Your mind can actually be blown that, against all odds, things have shaken down and turned out in a way that you would have barely been able to hope for. But it still might mean your heart will ache.

If I were God, or God's West Coat Rep, I would have a much more organized and predictable system.

Take Lazarus, or instance. His sisters get their miracle; and even though he ends up dying eventually, we still see thatthat's what it was. Or say, for instance, that you have anorexic teenage daughter, who almost died, and instead, was shown a way out of No Way. From extreme secrecy and isolation, she ends up with a pit crew, or at least she has one amazing person to walk with her. She not only survives, but blossoms, fully, and then gets herself into a college 3000 miles away.

Well, a miracle, right? If you've been through this, you know how close you came to losing her. You know how far away from you the disease took her. And yet, now she's thriving, and your heart is so filled with gratitude that you could burst. You're Zorba the Greek. Thankyouthankyouthankyou.

And yet, she's about to go live 3000 miles away.

That's all I'm saying: miracles aren't the same as nitrous oxide, which would be SO great, if you ask me. But no. Miracles means Grace must have tiptoed sneakily into the picture while you were busy with your clipboard, making lists and writing down all your Good Ideas on how to save, rescue and fix everyone. Miracles--even little brown paper bag miracles--are when you absolutely could not have gotten to where you are now, from where you were. But it may come at a cost.

God's provincence does not mean No Storms, which I hate hate hate. I would not agree to this, given a choice. By the same token--given a choice--I would not have agreed to grow four inches when I was 13, as my knees and elbows ached sharply for most of a year. And anyway, I've shrunk an inch--so I want my money back. Growing in body and spirit I hard.

That's what I've been thinking about, that sometimes you don't notice that you got a miracle, or ARE a miracle, because it's more of a mixed grille than you'd been expecting. There's joy and relief, but maybe also bittersweet feelings, and exhaustion. It turns out to be a quiet consignment store miracle, instead of something snazzier and perfect from Ikea. So for today, a) who asked me, anyways? and b) thankyouthankyouthankyou."

842

Red shoes and poppy fields

I just rang a friend who I hadn't talked to for a few weeks and she commented that it felt like I had gone into hibernation. The picture that I have travelled with in the last two weeks is the one where Dorothy and her friends end up in the Poppy field on their way to OZ and fall asleep. It has felt just like that this week. Partly to do with the fact that lack of sleep is catching up with me but also because in a sense time has altered and we live day to day. It has been very relaxing and restful and peaceful all of which contributes. 

I have been pondering on the concept of home. Home is where the heart is. Home is also where where you think yourself or where your mind dwells. Our home is now here and it is an oddness I am adjusting to every second day or so. Gary has made the transition in his mind much more quickly than me. Because of his disease progression and comfort requirements but also I think because home for Gary has always been at home where his people are at. If I ever went away when the kids were small(very rare) Gary would pack the kids up and go to my mum and dads for tea or his parents for the weekend. I suspect that it would be different if I wasn't able to stay here.

The girls flat in town and pop down to see him regularly. Our cat 'spacerocket' is very contented and hangs out with Gary most of the day.

Today he is feeling and looking good, he has just had 3 units of blood as his count was very low ( extra fatigue, low appetite etc). This has pinked him up nicely and he is feeling much better..

As I write Daisy the duck has arrived with three friends in tow, obviously the pickings here are rather good. Spacey is funny with them and chases them futilely each time they fly in.

Today was housekeeping day. Its funny how two small rooms require a whole day devoted to tidying and sorting. Washing, cleaning, rearranging, beds etc and in between food, water jugs, tea making coffee making.

I did get out for a walk today around Chingford which felt great. Loving those trees.

Wednesday 13th

Last night I was in bed just nodding to sleep when I heard munching in the cat bowl (just to remind you all we are in the hospice with our cat..glass sliding doors to the outside-definitily closed at 1200mid.).I thought that cat is having another snack, then I realized as I awoke more that she was on my feet purring and I thought an impolite thought, sat up in bed and peered at the cat bowl. I could see a small brown shape and thought yuck rat! but it didn't move move. On further investigation it turned out to be a baby hedgehog. I think it had been curled up under our laz-boy I did not know how long for. Quite peculiar and entertaining at the same time.
We went out home yesterday and I tidied my studio which felt great. It was a pigsty with paper and fabric everywhere. I have a project planned (occupation and distraction) and feel able to start it now. Gaz relaxed on couch, caught up with Mr Carr and did some bills. He was pretty sore after his outing which resulted in restless night. So today will be quiet and a catch up.

Puss

A good week Gary very settled and peaceful and a few good nights sleep.No change at present other than the peacefulness which is here. He has been enjoying the cricket and soccer on TV and we now have a new resident which is contributing to his peace of mind. Our pussy cat Space-rocket has arrived. I went home on Sunday and picked her up. She is well settled and purring madly. It seems to be a happy purr and she is greeting everyone who comes into the room enthusiastically. Gary very pleased to have her and is well occupied caring for her needs. She also knows that her place is on his lap or by him.which is just as well.  Will post a photo soon x

Whanau Taiaroa

Family photo today and we imported an expert to take some photos of us all together.We havnt had one since the the early teenage years.It was Great! I think we got one photo of us looking at the Camera together It is funny..typical of our independent quirky family. But Dad called and texted and they all came. He was very happy as I was I. It was bugging me and I feel settled now.
We were very lucky to have a famous Artist do the Donkey work. Ms Lynn Tayor popped by for a quick photo shoot. Awesome to know that with her good eye we were guaranteed great photos and I relaxed in that knowledge and didnt even check the camera.
Gaz very settled and happy.
Mum dropped off some yummy looking salad which I am about to chomp into for my tea.Hurrah no cooking for me.
All in all a very successful day.

Total eclipse of the Heart

Turn around, every now and then

I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round

Turn around, every now and then

I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears

Turn around, every now and then

I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by

Turn around, every now and then

I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes

Turn around, bright eyes

Every now and then I fall apart

Turn around, bright eyes

Every now and then I fall apart

Turnaround, every now and then

I get a little bit restless and I dream of something wild

Turnaround, every now and then

I get a little bit helpless and I'm lying like a child in your arms

Turnaround, every now and then

I get a little bit angry and I know I've got to get out and cry

Turnaround, every now and then

I get a little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes

Turnaround bright eyes

Every now and then I fall apart

Turnaround bright eyes

Every now and then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight

And I need you more than ever

And if you only hold me tight

We'll be holding on forever

And we'll only be making it right

'Cause we'll never be wrong

Together we can take it to the end of the line

Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time

I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark

We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks

I really need you tonight

Forever's gonna to start tonight

Forever's gonna to start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love

Now I'm only falling apart

There's nothing I can do

A total eclipse of the heart

Once upon a time there was light in my life

But now there's only love in the dark

Nothing I can say

A total eclipse of the heart

Turnaround, bright eyes

Turnaround, bright eyes

Turnaround, every now and then

I know you'll never be the boy you always wanted to be

Turnaround, every now and then

I know you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am

Turnaround, every now and then

I know there's no one in the universe as magical and wondrous as you

Turnaround, every now and then

I know there’s nothing any better, nothing that I just wouldn’t do

Turnaround bright eyes

Every now and then I fall apart

Turnaround bright eyes

Every now and then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight

And I need you more than ever

And if you'll only hold me tight

We'll be holding on forever

And we'll only be making it right

'Cause we'll never be wrong

Together we can take it to the end of the line

Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time

I don't know what to do, I'm always in the dark

We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks

I really need you tonight

Forever's gonna start tonight

Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love

Now I'm only falling apart

There's nothing I can do

A total eclipse of the heart

Once upon a time there was light in my life

But now there's only love in the dark

Nothing I can say

A total eclipse of the heart

A total eclipse of the heart

A total eclipse of the heart

Turn around, bright eyes

Turn around, bright eyes

Turn around