Thursday, January 24, 2013

Living aWake

In my head I have multiple threads to lead into a blog post with.They start up in clear moments in my day and I think 'oh thats makes sense I will write that' That moment is fairly brief and usually when I am having my toast in the morning.10 minutes in the kitchen with my cup of tea and tomatoes on toast .It is so peaceful here and I feel for the first time that Gary is safe and I can leave him for small amounts of time to catch up on stuff- school uniforms, cats, glasshouses, a dog that decided Portobello Pub was the best option for company since his owners absenteed themselves, food gathering.
It had been fairly intense from admission and it feels such a luxury sitting here tying this morning.
Gary got up at 6.30 and is sitting through in the lounge watching tele and having a bit of breakfast (his first). He thinks I am sleeping and I did try to go back to sleep but I have started existing on about four and half hours sleep a night and thats not generally in a row. I wake to him all night. This is not new and periodically at home very normal but we had more rooms at home to settle into to and different strategies. We are relearning how it works all over again.
When Gary was first admitted we came via ED. I would NOT recommend this but it appears to be the only way. He was an acute admit with a clear history and it was obvious what needed to be done. 8c had a bed for him and yet it took 9hours for admission to the ward with Gary in Acute pain the whole time. The staff were lovely but nothing happened no dots were connected. His pain was not managed successfully until he got to 8c where they knew him and it was sorted. He had four nights in hospital. Two of those were spent in the treatment room (we had it to ourselves and it was great to have space and be with Gaz I dozed in the lazy boy.
At that time he was deteriorating rapidly and was given a possible few days to live.
It was so shocking after being so well for a period of time. And even though he has cancer and secondary tumours it would have been a sudden death in its intensity.
What I have always prayed for amongst this, is time. I feel God has everything in hand, of course I have also asked for many other considerations but time is the most valuable if you can recognize it.
I prayed for time when Gary came in acutely last year and the options were poor. And it happened.

This time as Gary's breathing changed in 8C I prayed for more time. My prayer wasn't very gentle.
I ranted and screamed silently at God in the middle of night and paced up and down the treatment as Gary slept. It helped.
I was driving yesterday I clicked that once again time has been granted. Time for resolution talk of Gary's going a tying up of threads and a chance for people to express themselves to Gary.
He has stabilized for the present and is very much at peace with his decision. He is really liking the Hospice and feels comfortable. No pain. (for the first time in three years). It is a relief for him not to have to manage.
Family have been present, friends have driven down country, music, Love and the emails and messages for Gary and us have been phenomenal. Gary has had us reading and re-reading them to him. It has meant such alot to him. His community is very international. As days and breath grows shorter we will limit how much time is spent outside of family, but at the moment gary is still drawing people in and being there for others. This is his nature.
Our motto through this has been Bird by Bird
 Birds are a prevalent theme. Gary has become a bird watcher while at home. Greay Warblers occupied him for some time this summer. We have a coffee cup which we share with native birds on it that remind us at breakfast time. Bird by bird.
In an earlier post I referenced Alain De Botton and the Art of travel. A couple of days ago as Gary and I were talking over some family stuff occurring.He was getting upset and  I looked at him and said 'this is life honey, this is it and all our family are together and we are all dealing with something so hard in the only way we all know how and really trying our best and we are here all together."
 He looked at me and said ''yes the only problem with Death is that you bring yourself to it.''  We laughed and laughed. We were actually in the bathroom and it seemed the whole world was outside the door.
The thing is to do what you ever it is to need to do and be whatever it is. My trouble is that I often its not quite enough and I say the wrong thing share the wrong thing wish I could be more like Sister Theresa.
It is all so public.I am public and generally when you are in Public there is preparation and a public persona. But here its Public 24/7 and while in the past wee while I have had a ok ego and not wondered what people think. Its sneaking back in as my soft underbelly is exposed. Sleep deprivation is not a pretty thing.
My lovely friend bought my Bible in about four? days ago (no idea of time at the moment) and I was reading about Jesus the Man who was compassionate fierce loyal a healer and a man who also got irritated and took time out, one who spoke his mind and one who got tired. It has given me permission to accept my humanness a bit more. (well at least try to)
I will try to blog everyday and update as I find texting really hard. Im not good at it and my thumb is a bit munted from a scissor stick injury.


  1. Kat you are absolutely amazing! You're doing so well. I hope you get some sleep, so you can think more clearly and see just how well you're doing.

  2. Michelle.Thank you we think you are pretty gorgeous. I have loved reading your Blog. I think I have posted comment. I know a few times I wrote quite a lot and then it wiped away. Sleep is so elusive. I have been in a room close to gary the last two nights and he is sleeping well with a little sleeping pill help. But he is waking up fresh which is great.I am going to bed tired thinking 'good I will sleep and I dont. I do doze very light sleeping, but at any given time I can talk to myself and decide I am awake. tonight I might go halves with Gary in his sleeper.A first for me.
    gary is watching cricket on TV at the moment an loving it. x


Hi I love to receive comments and will endevour to reply either on this page or your blog.Kat