Wholeheartedness

I have been pondering this thought this week amongst many others. Integrated is my favourite word of the week.
Talk and thoughts this week in the home, centre around the disbelief that Gary is gone..it is too big and too enormous to comprehend and in conversation with people I will say ' yes I guess we will find a way and yes bird by bird and yes I am doing that and yes millenniums of people have gone before me on this trail',  but I now understand the idea of being blinded by grief and even though you think you are making good decisions ..really I dont actually know.
I just keep moving and telling myself truths. He's gone, he left us, he died, because it is all too weird and and my head cant always make sense of things. Every time I move forward for me, I grieve for the loss of the space that was.
 Everytime I dress up nice or cook yummy food or record something on tele I grieve more..extra grieving on what is already there.
I do stuff like go out with friends because it is a good thing to practise and I know they have a plan are making an effort..I get worried in saying no all the time that people will stop caring or ringing but it is an effort and I often dont know until half an hour before an event how I will feel and if I will be able.
I started back at work this week four shifts..welcomed back. People are kind kind.
I feel my boundaries are not strong yet and I need to work on that..it will come and I am swearing more than I should.
The pain of no Gary is the price of wholeheartedness. Ths was a decision I clearly remember making at least 10 years into marriage. Zach was a baby.
Gary was going for partner in an Accounting firm and being very social and traveling frequently. I was post babies and starting back at school, learning about Art. Lots of stuff in out marriage got taken for granted. We loved each other but I think not as in love. There were a few years where things went pear shaped and I made some poor decisions.
I look at this time with no big regret - some small, as it shaped me into a stronger person and one who decided to be wholehearted. It took me while and involved me loving not only Gary but beginning to love my self, to integrate. A difficult but worthwhile challenge. Before this I think I loved with 3/4 of my heart and kept a little bit back for a rainy day.
The last couple of years have felt more than wholehearted, but Im not sure what the word is..it has been a sacrificial space to be in and becomes greater than you and your needs.
But the thought of trading this grief for a less than wholehearted love..no I wouldn't do that.

Self Care

This is good and in the last week I have had to practice it a few times especially the saying no part. Its hard especially when people want to see you and are kind, but this last week has been a week of weeping and a need to keep to myself. I risk offending people and am still not certain how to be gracious. I am learning humility in peoples ongoing kindness and generosity..its a hard learning curve. 

I still get scared speaking up for myself.

In the last week I have been to Chch and back, cooked dinner for a friends birthday and had a day back at work in my old ward. 

It was ok. I was fretful about starting, it felt like the beginning of the rest of my life and even though I enjoy working and the work,  it was challenging as it really is no longer an option; and its me taking care of me and a few others in my household.

It was hard coming home, last time I worked, I came home to Gaz. The new normal is wearing thin.

Sunday I went to church..couldn't quite pull my self together, came home felt the same and made the decision to head out into the vege garden. As I pulled my hoody on, people arrived who I had to say no to and it was hard.. but a good decision for me as the Garden was so therapeutic. I needed extra daylight hours, as I wanted to stay in it.

I went back today and weeded and mulched and built sides and dug yams. It is almost ready for planting..feels and looks good. My body feels better for moving. 

you will fly again Melody Ross

The everydayness of being

Did some more tidying and sorting in my inside studio today and cleaned my bedroom. Sorted some clothes.

I read a magazine article recently about a family whose mother and wife had passed away. The husband was quoted as saying ' we didn't keep the clothes, they meant nothing to us, thats not how we remember her, she is in our hearts'. I thought ' Gosh that certainly simplifies things' and thats not me.

I tidied some of Garys clothes into a suitcase which I have stored in my wardrobe and only the ones that are usually in drawers that I don't see. I carefully buttoned his shirts so they wouldn't fall off hangers and hung them back where they live, right next to his extravagant jackets.

I tidied his dressing gown and found a hanky in the pocket. I left it there for the moment.

This weeks low points were not this as you might think, I prepared myself for this. What I wasn't prepared for was my Dr giving me a details slip to update my next of kin.

Picking up my second lot of anti-biotics this year (first time in over 20) for a chest infection, driving myself home cleaning the bench doing the dishes, making dinner and cleaning the bath so I could have one. Taking care of myself by myself. The everydayness of being. This undid me too.

 Last night I felt I just needed someone to look after me. I wanted to stop doing anything and just go to bed. I am feeling a bit exhausted with the role of Wonder woman and would prefer a sidekick role.  It is self inflicted. 

What I need to do is Let go Let go Let go and recount my blessings or at least hold them close for a while. 

I went to a talk on Saturday night at our local hall. It was great Peter Hayden and Rod Morris talking about their latest adVenture. I bought one for Dad for his birthday. And I won Paddy Richardson's latest novel which I am delighted with. I wanted to read it.Finishing this post off this morning with that book packed in my bag and off to ChCh for the weekend. Quite nervous about being out of the house and away from it but am taking Zach with me to share driving and for some company.
Big frost out my window so will drive very very smart
x

Bear hunt

I am relieved my birthday is over. I did not realize how tough it would be until the birthday week and day approached.
I had a massage last week and my massage therapist commented that it felt like she was taking a straightjacket off. Made sense really.
I think I put it back on last week to get through. So so difficult in many more ways than I had considered. I had thought about Gary not being there, first time in 27 years, looked at the unanchored part of it..that it was another first. What I neglected was the preparation that leads up to birthdays..the week before.The anticipation. I never like a big fuss, so it wasn't that,  it was again in the small ways. Gary would tidy and vacuum..the house would be sorted the kids rallied. I could more or less please myself what I did.
What I have always loved is that the day would be emptied of things I had to do and filled with things I wanted to do. Plan nice food and spend time with Gaz, a movie something simple. All those things carry joy when you are with your person and no amount of kindness (and there was alot of it) can fill that gap.
I felt like I was pushing myself through the eye of a needle all week. Birthing myself all over again. Going on a Bear Hunt.
The day after, I woke up feeling lighter and so relieved I was through it. I felt stronger and better.

I was rung on Monday and offered an interview for a job I had applied for which was incredible in its self. My sister had come down from Welly to spend time with my after my birthday. It was great to have her company but I was a bit conflicted as I had to prep for this interview and do a 5 min presentation before a panel of three. My brain which had been shutting down information for the past while had to suddenly wake up and go from Zero to Hero in a very short time.
This morning I received another phone call this time to inform me that I didn't get the job which I expected. And it is fine. I don't have any clinical experience which really would help, they would have had to babysit me for a bit.
The woman from the panel who rang me was so kind and I had a great interview. It was such a good experience to go through it. She asked to keep my CV and if I would be interested in doing some art work with some groups they run ( :-D ) YES.
So we will see.

Tidying out my pantry and fridge today all doors open for some sun. Zach home, bit under the weather again.
Wind getting up..a grey Heron was perched on the stump at the bottom of the garden today. He used to perch on top of the Macro that is now gone.
x