Wednesday, July 31, 2013


I have been pondering this thought this week amongst many others. Integrated is my favourite word of the week.
Talk and thoughts this week in the home, centre around the disbelief that Gary is is too big and too enormous to comprehend and in conversation with people I will say ' yes I guess we will find a way and yes bird by bird and yes I am doing that and yes millenniums of people have gone before me on this trail',  but I now understand the idea of being blinded by grief and even though you think you are making good decisions ..really I dont actually know.
I just keep moving and telling myself truths. He's gone, he left us, he died, because it is all too weird and and my head cant always make sense of things. Every time I move forward for me, I grieve for the loss of the space that was.
 Everytime I dress up nice or cook yummy food or record something on tele I grieve more..extra grieving on what is already there.
I do stuff like go out with friends because it is a good thing to practise and I know they have a plan are making an effort..I get worried in saying no all the time that people will stop caring or ringing but it is an effort and I often dont know until half an hour before an event how I will feel and if I will be able.
I started back at work this week four shifts..welcomed back. People are kind kind.
I feel my boundaries are not strong yet and I need to work on will come and I am swearing more than I should.
The pain of no Gary is the price of wholeheartedness. Ths was a decision I clearly remember making at least 10 years into marriage. Zach was a baby.
Gary was going for partner in an Accounting firm and being very social and traveling frequently. I was post babies and starting back at school, learning about Art. Lots of stuff in out marriage got taken for granted. We loved each other but I think not as in love. There were a few years where things went pear shaped and I made some poor decisions.
I look at this time with no big regret - some small, as it shaped me into a stronger person and one who decided to be wholehearted. It took me while and involved me loving not only Gary but beginning to love my self, to integrate. A difficult but worthwhile challenge. Before this I think I loved with 3/4 of my heart and kept a little bit back for a rainy day.
The last couple of years have felt more than wholehearted, but Im not sure what the word has been a sacrificial space to be in and becomes greater than you and your needs.
But the thought of trading this grief for a less than wholehearted I wouldn't do that.


  1. Hey Kat - more wonderful words and honesty from you. I cannot comprehend your grief and I won't pretend that I can, but you can be so proud of every step that you take. It doesn't matter if its forwards, backwards, sideways or sometimes taking a moment to stand still and reflect. I know that you are not seeking to inspire but your sharing does inspire me every time I read your blog. Love you lots. Bender xxxxx

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  3. Next time I write I will check for typos.
    I think the same thing when I read your blog. People sharing and moving forward is always good. Visible marks of progress..we see we can also do it. What you guys are doing is brave and will inspire others to do the same.

  4. Hi KAT,
    I am so sorry for your loss.. I have followed Gary blog and just found that he passed away....
    I'm also facing synovial sarcoma since 2008 till now, my last chemo cycle just last Friday!!
    Knowing that he was gone, it's like a friend who walk on the same road had left...
    His story has inspired me...a lot... thank you so much...
    Please take a good care,
    PS. I lived in Bangkok, Thailand... in case Thai name is weird :)

  5. Nichalee..thank you so much for writing. Gary would love to hear he inspired you. His Synovial friends were so important to him. I hope this last round of chemo has the results you are after and your recovery time is gentle. It is so hard and sad without him. He lived every day up to the end doing what he needed to do and was fully himself.x Are the treatment options in Thailand the same as here and are they readily available? Sounds pretty hopeful that you are still here after 6 years.k


Hi I love to receive comments and will endevour to reply either on this page or your blog.Kat