Wholeheartedness

I have been pondering this thought this week amongst many others. Integrated is my favourite word of the week.
Talk and thoughts this week in the home, centre around the disbelief that Gary is gone..it is too big and too enormous to comprehend and in conversation with people I will say ' yes I guess we will find a way and yes bird by bird and yes I am doing that and yes millenniums of people have gone before me on this trail',  but I now understand the idea of being blinded by grief and even though you think you are making good decisions ..really I dont actually know.
I just keep moving and telling myself truths. He's gone, he left us, he died, because it is all too weird and and my head cant always make sense of things. Every time I move forward for me, I grieve for the loss of the space that was.
 Everytime I dress up nice or cook yummy food or record something on tele I grieve more..extra grieving on what is already there.
I do stuff like go out with friends because it is a good thing to practise and I know they have a plan are making an effort..I get worried in saying no all the time that people will stop caring or ringing but it is an effort and I often dont know until half an hour before an event how I will feel and if I will be able.
I started back at work this week four shifts..welcomed back. People are kind kind.
I feel my boundaries are not strong yet and I need to work on that..it will come and I am swearing more than I should.
The pain of no Gary is the price of wholeheartedness. Ths was a decision I clearly remember making at least 10 years into marriage. Zach was a baby.
Gary was going for partner in an Accounting firm and being very social and traveling frequently. I was post babies and starting back at school, learning about Art. Lots of stuff in out marriage got taken for granted. We loved each other but I think not as in love. There were a few years where things went pear shaped and I made some poor decisions.
I look at this time with no big regret - some small, as it shaped me into a stronger person and one who decided to be wholehearted. It took me while and involved me loving not only Gary but beginning to love my self, to integrate. A difficult but worthwhile challenge. Before this I think I loved with 3/4 of my heart and kept a little bit back for a rainy day.
The last couple of years have felt more than wholehearted, but Im not sure what the word is..it has been a sacrificial space to be in and becomes greater than you and your needs.
But the thought of trading this grief for a less than wholehearted love..no I wouldn't do that.