Bear hunt

I am relieved my birthday is over. I did not realize how tough it would be until the birthday week and day approached.
I had a massage last week and my massage therapist commented that it felt like she was taking a straightjacket off. Made sense really.
I think I put it back on last week to get through. So so difficult in many more ways than I had considered. I had thought about Gary not being there, first time in 27 years, looked at the unanchored part of it..that it was another first. What I neglected was the preparation that leads up to birthdays..the week before.The anticipation. I never like a big fuss, so it wasn't that,  it was again in the small ways. Gary would tidy and vacuum..the house would be sorted the kids rallied. I could more or less please myself what I did.
What I have always loved is that the day would be emptied of things I had to do and filled with things I wanted to do. Plan nice food and spend time with Gaz, a movie something simple. All those things carry joy when you are with your person and no amount of kindness (and there was alot of it) can fill that gap.
I felt like I was pushing myself through the eye of a needle all week. Birthing myself all over again. Going on a Bear Hunt.
The day after, I woke up feeling lighter and so relieved I was through it. I felt stronger and better.

I was rung on Monday and offered an interview for a job I had applied for which was incredible in its self. My sister had come down from Welly to spend time with my after my birthday. It was great to have her company but I was a bit conflicted as I had to prep for this interview and do a 5 min presentation before a panel of three. My brain which had been shutting down information for the past while had to suddenly wake up and go from Zero to Hero in a very short time.
This morning I received another phone call this time to inform me that I didn't get the job which I expected. And it is fine. I don't have any clinical experience which really would help, they would have had to babysit me for a bit.
The woman from the panel who rang me was so kind and I had a great interview. It was such a good experience to go through it. She asked to keep my CV and if I would be interested in doing some art work with some groups they run ( :-D ) YES.
So we will see.

Tidying out my pantry and fridge today all doors open for some sun. Zach home, bit under the weather again.
Wind getting up..a grey Heron was perched on the stump at the bottom of the garden today. He used to perch on top of the Macro that is now gone.
x