Well after my well thought out post yesterday about holding it all together and being able to compartmentalise, I went to a study day today for work and completely lost it by lunchtime. It was a day of training around physical health and I just wasn't prepared for the indepth approach to heart and lung disease. I went up stairs at lunch time feeling really shaky, talked to a colleague, then went back down to class heard the words lung disease burst into tears and left the room. The very last thing I ever wanted to do. Made a noddy of myself and have been bawling off and on ever since. Cant really predict my days. I don't like to plan ahead for that very reason. Prefer spontaneous activity. I had a lovely colleague who sat with me and talked for a bit, after that and I managed to get home. Picked Zach up some drum skins , ones that dull the beat as the neighbours have had a meeting:-/. Headed out into my yard moved firewood and some dirt behind my shed.Beer and homemade wedges for tea.
I am at my desk in my studio which is in turmoil as I am trying to tidy it and sort through stuff to fit in material that I have bought. A habit I have is op shopping for retro fabric which in my head turns into amazing objects and garments. Some of them have eventuated into garments..a hoody for Zach, some felting for my sister.
Eventually they concretize as there is a point in my collecting in which saturation point is reached.
I love collecting and fantasizing about outcomes. It soothes me to have piles of brightly coloured fabric on my shelves. Its like money in the bank.
It has also been part of how I distract myself in town when overwhelm threatens. I scoot to an Op shop and spend about 10 dollars on fabric, sort through buttons and plan projects. At home the computer can fill that same gap of occupation and distraction.
I was at work the other night with a client in the activity room and found myself for no reason I could identify, transported back to Noosa.
Gary and I were standing in the lobby of the Sheraton booking in. I was totally there and I could feel the panic starting. There is a conflict inherent in these situations. If I was at home I would visit that place if I was in an ok space, weep and process. It has to be a place of safe remembering. Not really in the plan at work. I was sitting at the table with my client when the panic made itself known. A split second decision saw me reach for a journal which was beside me and I started writing and wrote a page quickly. In the process I wrote past the panic. It was a valuable tool. The client asked me what I was writing and I explained without detail that I had thought of something that I needed to write down. We had talked about journaling earlier. I showed him that it was my book of ideas where I wrote and collected stuff and showed him part of the writing to reassure him. I realized it looked as though I was writing about him. Probably not the best habit at work but in that moment ,very helpful.
I have missed writing as I havnt been here blogging regularly. Its like exercise-makes me feel good in the same way. And it takes practice before your body and mind catch up with whats going on.
How am I this month?
I am learning to compartmentalise. I can talk about Gary and use his name without attaching emotion. Sometimes its not possible and usually depends who Im talking too and how long and where the conversation goes. But I can mainly save it for at home and in private. I still avoid places and people where I know its harder and look after myself. I am still holding myself safe.
I move forward each day and do yucky and hard stuff. Things Gaz always did and that I now have to figure out. I hate it and resent it and bawl the whole time I am doing it but know it will get easier..its so hard to even know where to start with some stuff.
What I did do today which feels foundational to order is sorted books and bookcases today, it has taken a whole day..so so necessary. Such a relief to have that job done. It has opened up space in my studio and I have been able to roll and rubber band fabric and shelve it. I can now see the Girls quilt fabrics and can start visualising them. I need to see to plan, things in boxes are tidy but useless really.
Monday, I started digging out the clay behind the shed to extend the back out by a metre and a bit. Hard work and I sweated, very satisfying.
I have been biking.
A tree came down in the big winds of recent and a lovely girlfriend came out and chainsawed it for me. Apparently Wattle do this just tip over. I am thinking Luma Apicualta to replace it.
It was such a good fall, as it just missed my house, could have been so much worse.
My house is being painted and rotten windows and boards replaced. I have had Pete and Graeme here and feel so grateful for people whom I trust implicitly. Pete has also unstuck windows, mended latches etc. Many strings to his bow.
Macker came down two nights ago and got bitten by a spider in the middle of the night. Wee beast! The spider not Mac, so she ended back at A & E for fluids and antibots. Poor thing. I have since hoozled the room thoroughly and put a big of bug repellent where there are suspicious gaps. She stayed again last night with no mishaps.
Zach last few weeks of school-whew hard work keeping him there this year. Busting to get cracking on his hairdressing.
Hana is working locally at the cafe and the Pub.:-)
I have been working a bit. Enjoying work but get tired very quickly. I realized today as I was hanging out the washing that I havnt stopped for a long long time. I got sick again a week ago- urgh painful. Its a good message - deal with stuff lying around and rest when you can. The problem with casual is when you are sick, there is no income. Im looking for the right job and in the meantime feel in the right place. I have an interview for Art therapy in a week and am going to the symposium before hand, Looking forward to that :-).
I have nearly finished a Soul Restoration course online. It has kept me well occupied. I loved it. Melody has the right mix of universal and particular and is a great teacher and encourager. I recommend it. http://bravegirlsclub.com/
If I was a painting..it would be one of myself in absence, represented by the things and people I love.
There would be some paintbrushes, a computer and a Bible. Tropical plants with bright flowers and wide leaves that capture rain would wind up the frame.
It would have hearts and cowboy boots.